DUNEDIN, Fla. - Chad Cordero is reminded every time he looks down at the inside of his left forearm.
He's reminded of a hurt far worse than the regular pain that comes with pitching for a living, of a wound that unlike even the most debilitating of sports injuries, will never, ever heal.
Daughter Tehya Irene was 11 weeks old when Sudden Infant Death Syndrome took her life in early December. The tattoo of her pillowy cheeks, piercing dark eyes, and small tuft of spiky black hair, is a reminder of what real adversity is, and what is truly unfair in life.
"It's been a very rough last couple of years, especially the last couple of months," says Cordero, a former all-star closer trying to rebound from two injury-filled seasons with the Toronto Blue Jays.
"I think this is making me a stronger person, it's giving me a ton of motivation to go out there and throw well. I want to do this for my daughter, because she'll never have the chance to see me play. If I can get back out there, I'll know I did it all for her."
Cordero got the tattoo of Tehya three days after she died, as a way of coping with the senselessness and pain of the loss.
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, or SIDS as it is commonly known, is one the most frightening things parents of a newborn have to worry about. There are many theories, but doctors have been unable to come up with a single explanation for why it happens, or find ways to determine which babies may be at risk.
SIDS is responsible for 2,500 deaths per year in the United States, according to the American SIDS Institute. Up north, it affects one out of every 2,000 live-births, according to the Canadian Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths.
The apparent randomness with which SIDS strikes can make it especially difficult for grieving parents to come to terms with.
Cordero and his wife Jamie dropped off their eldest daughter Riley and Tehya to spend the night with his parents so that they could get some Christmas shopping done. The kids were put to bed, and everything seemed fine.
Tehya never woke up again, and the heartache remains unbearable.
Riley, now 18 months, only understands that her little sister went away, but knowing to point to the sky. Every night Cordero and his wife cry after putting only one little girl to bed, instead of two.
"It's still very hard and it's still very fresh," he says, trying to contain the hurt. "We haven't even gotten the coroner's official report yet. They've told us what it is but we're still waiting on that.
"It's pretty tough, but we're managing to get through it. We still have Riley, and that's helping us get through it."
Spring training's arrival has been positive, too.
The change in scenery has been good for his wife and daughter, while Cordero must face the challenge of trying to win a job. He joined the Blue Jays on a minor-league contract about a month after his daughter's death, and is looking to catch on in any role he can.
A first-round pick of the Montreal Expos in 2003 who blossomed into an all-star with the Washington Nationals in 2005, he's only now feeling really healthy again. He had surgery to repair a torn labrum in his right shoulder in 2008, and also had to overcome a torn dorsi muscle in his side and upper back.
"I would love to one day (close) again but at this point in my career, I'm trying to do whatever I can to stay up here," says Cordero. "Whether that means being a mop-up guy, it's something I'd have to get used to. But if I have to do it to be in the big-leagues again, I'll definitely do anything."
The Blue Jays are giving him both an opportunity and some space.
He's not getting treated with kid gloves by any means, but the team is ready to assist if he, or anyone on the roster, needs help.
"We're there for support if the player needs anything," says GM Alex Anthopoulos. "If he was a younger player, inexperienced, it would be different but with his age and his experience and his success, we know a lot about the makeup, the character, he's as good as it gets, we know he's got his head on straight.
"I just had a daughter and I can't even imagine. You respect the person's privacy on something like that."
The Blue Jays were one of the few teams to really come after Cordero during the off-season, and while others wanted him to throw a bullpen for them before deciding on their interest, the right-hander didn't bother with them.
There was too much sorrow to deal with at the time to think about baseball. Now, he can direct his grief into his goals on the field.
"I'm trying to do it for her," says Cordero, looking to a framed picture of Tehya in his locker. "I'm going to try and do my best, make sure I'm nice and healthy and give everything I can to make this team for her."
Notes: Reliever Jon Rauch will throw another 25-pitch bullpen Sunday after coming out of Friday's session with his sore right ankle no worse for the wear. "No lingering effects from the bullpen, was put through some other agility work with the trainers emulating getting off the mound, fielding ground balls," said manager John Farrell. "We'll still monitor it day-to-day, but there's nothing to say that he can't get on the mound again." ... Infielder John McDonald did some work behind the plate Saturday and he's due to get some more action at catcher this spring, too. "We're also going to get him in a B game to catch." said Farrell. "I know some might say that's a risky move ... well, he is our third catcher when the season opens."
